American Slideshow

American Slideshow [[begin]]

Everybody find your seats. The slideshow is beginning. Once a year we gather 'round to remember what happened in that time. We must remind ourselves of the past. Otherwise it will stop existing. Family, like the past, like all ephemera, is a dream that must constantly be affirmed. [[next slide -> parade]]

Here is the parade for forgotten soldiers. A long procession of somber ghosts filed past. They say that whenever a ghost is remembered, they disappear. This has never happened in 75 years. But every year the procession of ghosts gets longer and longer and nobody seems to notice or care... [[next slide -> watermelon]]

Look. It's your grandmother. She ate nothing but watermelon and Coke for 35 years. She hated watermelon but she thought it increased her psychic ability. There must be something to it because she predicted the decade of her death. [[next slide -> port]]

Gaze, children, here at the majesty of industry. The arterial movement of commodities pumps life into the meritocracy. God bless the ports. [[next slide -> castle]]

Here we see the opulence of primitive accumulation. Centuries ago some people were better at murdering and stealing than other people. They became the //Ruling Class// and they lived in places called //castles// and //mansions//. They are better than you. They are probably the best people in the world. [[next slide -> henge]]

90,000 years ago, a Druidic emperor erected Stone Henge with the power of his tree magics. That's not the official story, of course. If the world were to know the dramatic power of tree magics, then the New World Order would surely fall. Anyway, here's a picture of Pam and Lacey at Stone Henge. [[next slide -> duck]]

Here's the view from my room when I was King of Romania for those two weeks. The whole thing was a misunderstanding. Apparently the real king was prone to dressing up like American tourists and bore a striking resemblance to myself. I got a lavish room with a view of the moat. I named that duck Norbert. I had a lot of time on my hands, you see. We cleared the whole thing up with the help of the US Embassy. No harm, no fowl. [[next slide -> ship]]

Here we see a replica of a replica of a replica of Blackbeard's ship. It wasn't very authentic, but they were able to import Blackbeard's actual ghost, which was pretty cool. The ghost didn't do much. He just drank rum and blathered on about being a pirate. But we only paid 5 bucks to get in. You get what you pay for. [[next slide -> mount]]

Here's where we found the treasure. Remember that? Some idiot millionaire hid 1/4 million dollars in the Rockies and wrote a shitty cryptic poem about how to find it. We spent 32 months trying to find it. Turns out it was right behind that crag right there. [[next slide -> old]]

Here we see me making a Faustian bargain with the Grim Reaper. I can't really talk about it. Let's just say I'm really good at chess. [[next slide -> cannon]]

Here's Grampa standing next to the cannon that ended the Civil War. It blew Jefferson Davis's stupid fucking head clean the fuck off. They say his body spent 10 minutes trying to find the head before he died of blood loss. That must have been hilarious. [[next slide -> beach]]

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